If you ask brothers what intimacy is, they’ll give you the most random array of answers. Some will say its foreplay, some will say its the “mushy” without the “gushy” and some brothers will sit there in a stupor like, what ? BlackDoctor.org sought out the advice of the ladies to get their perspective on what “intimacy” is and how can we get our Black men to see the importance of intimacy. And brothers if you’re smart you’ll definitely want to listen to what these women have to say. Hint, hint: you might have seen of our special guests on HBO. Both of these special women are authors and are here to get you right, brothers. Let’s get intimate!
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Punany Poets founder and sex education expert Jessica Holter offers the men tips on how to be more intimate with their ladies without taking her panties off. Holter’s Punany Poets has just celebrated its 21st year of sex education, erotic entertainment and fun. Their shows are always tackling hard-hitting subjects about intimacy, sexual health and of course the art of lovemaking. It’s a privilege to be able to pick Ms. Holter’s brain about this very important matter. Brothers, take notes!
BlackDoctor.org (BDO): What is intimacy ? A lot of men think intimacy only involves sexual intercourse.
Jessica Holter (JH): Intimacy is not sexual intercourse, except in the sense that you are getting to know a person’s body, sexual behavior and responses to stimulation. To be intimate with someone is to have a very close relationship with them, or a thorough understanding of them. People can be intimate without having sex at all.
BDO: What factors contribute to men (especially Black men) being less open to the so-called “soft side” of intimacy at times?
JH: I think popular culture defines for men what they believe is acceptable behavior when it comes to women. When women require more understanding, romance and spiritual connection, men will bring it. Black Americans are still defining ourselves, and we have American’s violent and sadistic brand of entertainment infecting even the way we entertain ourselves. So, getting Black men to accept their soft side as a benevolence is a big challenge. Also, women have to desire sensitivity and intimacy from men. The perspective of what is acceptable courtship is skewed for women, too. This culture rewards machisimo and considers that that is feminine, weak.
BDO: How can men be more intimate with their ladies without sex?
JH: Listening is a great way to improve intimacy. Some great ideas I share at my show involve reading (especially sensual material) to one another; sharing bath/shower time; exercising together; connecting with nature together, such as picnics, hiking, water sports; traveling; voyeurism and masturbation as a teaching tool. I also like the idea of increasing trust by mutual grooming, such as shaving and hair combing. There are so, so, many ways to increase intimacy without involving intercourse.
BDO: What are the benefits of men practicing intimacy?
JH: Intimacy leads to deeper understanding of one another and yourself and strengthens relationships.
BDO: The Punany Poets is more than just a performance, you have an educational side as well. How receptive are the men and what can they gain from attending one of your awesome shows?
JH: Men welcome the sex education portions of my productions. Firstly, The Punany Poets speak to men from a position of friendship and respect. We are unlike many entertainment programs that demoralize, demonize and feminize Black men. We look at men as a necessary part of the construct of Black love and relationships in America and through artistic performance and audience participation, we create the romance, intimacy and conversation we inspire our clients to continue at home.
Licensed marriage and family therapist, Esther Boykins, offers another perspective for the men reading. Boykins has been working with couples for more than a decade. Her advice on intimacy will have your lady sending you those “middle of the day” texts.
BDO: How can men be more intimate with their ladies without sex?
EB: Look for non-sexual ways to be affectionate. Women, like men, want to feel desired for more than just their bodies. Stroke her face, hold her hand, give a foot massage, or whatever other touch feels good. Pay attention to her response to these touches, too. You’d be surprised how much pleasure you’ll also find in watching your partner enjoy your touch.
Try acts of service as a way to connect emotionally and express your love for her. Help around the house, cook a nice dinner, or take care of errands you know she doesn’t like. These gifts of time and energy say as much about your affection as anything you do in the bedroom.
Another great way to create intimacy without sex is to just have fun together. Quality time doing something you both enjoy is a great way to foster feelings of closeness and remind each other why you’re together. Being playful and carefree with your wife or girlfriend is part of your intimate connection. Let your guard down and be silly with her.
Thank you to our awesome contributors, Ms. Jessica Holter and Ms. Esther Boykins for their jewels of wisdom. Please check out the Punany Poets next time they’re in your town. Also, check out Esther Boykin’s book, The Date Deck. Hopefully our brothers reading this will take heed and give their ladies that other stroke of love she desperately yearns for.
Leave us a comment and let us know how you practice intimacy in your relationship.
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