Raising children is one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences in life. No matter how hard parents try, there is always a nagging feeling or negative thought that they could have done more, better, or differently. Dads have these common doubts as parents also. Provider, protector, and disciplinarian, they find themselves in a thankless job without the validation that they’ve got this. Hint: if you’re a father and you wonder whether you’re doing it right, you probably are an excellent father who’s doing everything for your children.
Here’s some reassurance, nevertheless, to help you feel like you are an awesome 10 out of 10 on the fatherhood scale. Children, look below to check out what your father may fear about how he’s performing in his parental role, how he measures up, or if and where he falls short, and how his children are doing with him as their father. If he checks all the boxes as a good dad, overcomes the obstacles facing Black fathers, and excels anyway, make sure you reach out to celebrate him and give him well-deserved kudos and kindness on Father’s Day.
Your father may fear:
Children grow up and move out eventually, but as far as their feelings for their father go, their love and respect never fade, and they never outgrow their need for him. Likewise, fathers don’t outgrow their role or their love for their children, nor do they ever stop worrying about them. Are they safe? Are they healthy? Are they on the right path? Are they happy? Do they have enough? Will they be alright?
These are some of the worries that may preoccupy your dad, whether you are age four or 54. His worries are more than casual concerns, and they don’t end when you turn 18 or 21. He will always worry about you. This presence in his thoughts shows that he still cares whether he says it often or not. He may let his actions speak louder than any magic words found in a greeting card. He loves you in the ways that he is able, even if that love is not reciprocated.
Be the bigger person, whether you are close or distant, to show your dad that he’s important and relevant wherever you are in your life, and whatever your relationship is. Call him. Visit him. Send him a card, even if it may not be acknowledged or opened. These actions demonstrate that he still has a place in your heart despite the range of emotions and hardship your relationship has gone through over the years. Try to make things right before it’s too late, and if that doesn’t work, love him from a distance, forgive your fractured past, and make peace by letting go of any grudges, even if you are estranged.
If you are blessed with a relationship with your dad that oscillates between cordial and close, seek out his wisdom, thank him for his counsel, call more frequently, and visit as often as you can so he can lay eyes on you. You need each other if for no other reason than he is your father and deserves your respect and compassion for doing the best he could with the circumstances he was in. However critical you may be, or how much you may complain about what he could or should have done, he got you here.
This takeaway is a corollary to the first fear. You could have had the dad that you always counted on, and he always delivered. Having your dad show up may not have been a concern for you when you were growing up. But if your narrative is defined by counting on him not to be there or knowing he’d always fail to deliver, this Father’s Day can leave you feeling some kind of way about celebrating a day for a dad that just wasn’t able to provide on the regular or who chose not to deliver.
He may have tried. He may not have tried, and you suffered and struggled because of it. If all you can count on from him is disappointment, learn from your history together and strive to do better by being more dependable as you journey through life.
If your dad anticipated, met, and exceeded every need you had, consider yourself fortunate. Use Father’s Day as a reminder of that. This is your opportunity to tell him how much you appreciate him. Share with him what that stability he provided has meant for you. Tell him how it helped you meet milestones and mark all types of success in life. Let him know that who you are now is because of how he raised you then. Praise him for how he fathered you with consistent provision financially, emotionally, and otherwise. Affirm him for making a difference in your life. Most of all, make it clear to him that you do not take his reliable delivery for granted when you need him, even if that need is just a listening ear.
Blended families at all stages with children of all ages are complicated and can get messy. Your dad and mom may be living separately. A sign that your dad is moving on may be the presence of his new friend/significant other. Although the person he is with is not your mom, you can either accept your dad’s friend or reject them.
He may treat them differently or better than he treated your mom. Their new presence in the family dynamics does not mean that they can ever fill your mom’s shoes or take her place.
If the new person enters your dad’s life after your mom passed away and tries to create unity, show love for his children and their children, and makes him genuinely happy most of the time, you may be glad that he has someone in his life who gives him a second chance at romance and partnership. Let your dad know that you are happy for him and them as a couple, if you are. If you are not, then hold your peace and try to get along. The maturity level and life experience of children when this happens make a big difference here.
Your dad may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and being less than the best if his children’s mom moves on to a new relationship after they are no longer together. On the surface, her new man may seem better and everything, but your dad feels he is not. If you sense these feelings in your dad, let him know that he is the only dad you will ever need and that no one can take his place. If you don’t like your mom’s new man, however, playing favorites between your mom and dad can cause strife, deepen tensions, and make a bad situation worse. Choose to be respectful and hold your tongue from negative comments that will only add to any family dysfunction and do more long-term harm than short-term good.
Dads may feel that they aren’t doing enough. Perhaps they feel that the harder they try at different aspects of parenthood, the better they’ll be. Their children may pick up on this vibe. This is where validating your dad can help immensely. Let your dad know that he is seen, but extra is not necessary.
Conversely, dads may fear that their children feel like they need to try harder. There are circumstances when this might be true, for example, with dads who don’t handle their parenting responsibilities consistently, fully, and equally. But if a dad is self-evaluating and wondering if he could do more and be more, then chances are, he’s already more than enough. No one is asking him to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling, six-figure superdad (unless, of course, he already is), but self-doubt is a constant presence in the parenting space. One dad’s definition of satisfactory parenting differs from another dad’s sense of what is enough.
A father may worry that his sacrifices go unnoticed, yet there often comes a moment when his children offer an affirmation so profound it resonates deep within his spirit. In that instant, his lingering doubts are replaced by the warmth of their gratitude, validating every struggle and proving that his impact is truly cherished.
A dad needs to know that he is a good dad. This does not mean that he needs grand gestures; he may just want a little gratitude. Your dad may want his children to appreciate him for who he is, recognize and receive the way he loves, and benefit from the positive role he played in raising them. He may wonder whether they know how hard he worked to give them the best, even though he sacrificed his own wants for their needs. Any father would be proud and happy to know, on Father’s Day (and on all the other days of the year), that he is honored by his children who love and respect him.
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