Mom guilt is far from a new term. It’s even estimated that most moms deal with it repeatedly while raising children. While it may be tempting to treat the issue like a problem you need to work harder to overcome, a leading neuroscientist is suggesting that isn’t the best approach. In her opinion, mom guilt is less about your capabilities as a mother and more about a small structure in your brain that might be overreacting. For her, understanding what’s happening may be the key to truly getting rid of mom guilt for good.
According to Dr. Kyra Bobinet, the heaviness of mom guilt may be linked to the habenula. As a physician, she has expertise in the applied neuroscience of the habenula, so it’s certainly worth hearing what she has to say about it. When it comes to mom guilt, she suggests that the habenula’s function, tied up with our expectations of ourselves and society’s expectations of moms, can result in the crushing feelings of guilt many moms experience.
Dr. Bobinet says that the habenula is an alarm bell of sorts. It’s the kind that rings when something has gone wrong. You may have forgotten to do something important or fallen short in some way. The habenula responds by lowering your mood and motivation while making you feel hopeless. That’s a feeling that a lot of people are likely familiar with.
Unfortunately, the habenula doesn’t necessarily have a way to objectively gauge the importance of a specific failure. Its response is based on how you feel about it. So, when you think that you’re a bad mom who should be doing better and juggling multiple tasks or managing your child’s tough schedule or being more patient, your habenula treats any lapses as a failure.
Given that many moms may be prone to constantly comparing themselves to others and replaying perceived imperfections in their minds, it may not be surprising that feelings of failure linger.
Knowing this, Dr. Bobinet suggests that changing your approach and mindset may be what you need to finally get mom guilt under control. Before jumping in, though, it may help to learn a little bit more about the habenula.
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The habenula has long piqued the curiosity of neuroscientists. However, it has come under greater scrutiny in recent years because it’s connected to several brain regions and receives direct input from the basal ganglia, hypothalamus, and frontal cortex. It’s been shown to target dopamine and serotonergic neurons, which are associated with motivation and good mood.
Apart from possibly being able to modulate motivation and mood control, a recent review shows that the habenula also responds to stimulation from nicotine, opioids, and stress. It may also have a role to play in depression and addiction. This is why neuroscientists are exploring how monitoring the habenula may help people who are dealing with depressive and addictive disorders.
With this in mind, it may be easier to see how a tiny organ tasked with identifying the negative outcomes of a recent activity may play a role in mom guilt. You already feel as if you’ve failed at something, and this little part of your brain has been trained to agree with you. Fortunately, you can tackle it by looking at the other issues that usually lead to mom guilt in the first place.
While some aspects of mom guilt are internal, that’s far from the whole story. Many of the factors associated with guilt are born from societal, cultural, or familial expectations. There’s an illusion of the perfect mom who’s able to flawlessly manage their childrens’ needs while working and running a home. You may feel the pressure to be like someone else that you’ve seen handle the responsibilities of being a mom effortlessly, while you seem to struggle.
Spending time on social media doesn’t help matters, either. As you scroll, you’re likely to see moms who are making all-natural meals from scratch, taking walks with their kids every day, attending every single game or performance, and reading them bedtime stories. Even though you know that most people only put their best on show, it doesn’t help you to feel any less guilty.
You may also get the message that you’re failing from your family or from memories of your upbringing. If you remember your mom being more present, or see other family members juggle activities you struggle with, mom guilt can creep in.
Additionally, society can make moms feel guilty for wanting a break from their children or wanting to focus on their careers equally. Somehow, there’s an impression that being a mom should be the entirety of your purpose until your children become adults. This is not only ridiculous, but it can also be harmful to your mental health. You haven’t stopped being a person because you’re a mom.
Just because these issues are rooted in society, though, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with them forever. Here’s how to move forward.
As if mom guilt wasn’t hard enough, dealing with it for a prolonged period can affect your overall well-being. You may have chronic headaches, trouble sleeping, get sick more often, have trouble focusing, and experience growing episodes of anxiety or depression.
The first thing you need to acknowledge is that your guilt is actually a sign that you care a lot about your kids. You’re not a bad mom; you’re doing the best you can. Reframing your mindset will be imperative to getting your habenula to stop treating every minor misstep as a catastrophe. You need to treat parenting as a journey, not a daily test you’ll either pass or fail. When something goes wrong, treat it as an opportunity to do something differently the next time.
The next thing you should start practicing is celebrating the wins. With mom guilt in tow, you may not treat good news or experiences with the joy they deserve. Instead, you may act as if that’s the baseline goal. Acknowledging accomplishments gives your brain a good boost that can combat your bad feelings.
Next, you need to kick comparisons to the curb. Even though so many moms are dealing with guilt, they rarely talk about it. You’re more likely to hear conversations about how well they’re doing or the sacrifices they’re making to get the best for their kids. You’re not the only one with a lot going on, but it’s not always easy to find people who’ll admit that. If you can find friends or loved ones who’ll be honest, then it can help to build a support circle. Knowing you’re not alone can ease the guilt and open up opportunities for group dates that benefit you and your kids.
Additionally, you need to recognize that perfection is not the goal. Take the time to note what you need to have a balanced life, where you and your kids are happy and healthy. Once you have a list, prioritize the items. For example, your kids need dinner daily, but is it the worst thing in the world if they have frozen pizza one night? Being adaptable in small ways can leave less room for mom guilt to thrive.
Finally, treat self-care as a necessity and not a luxury. Too many moms think that poor sleep and nutrition are unavoidable. Nothing could be further from the truth. You need to rest and eat well to be healthy. If you’re not healthy, you can’t be a good mom to your kids.
A lot of people deal with mom guilt, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. Although there are different ways to tackle the issue, one prominent neuroscientist suggests that changing how you talk to yourself may be a great place to start.
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