Many have called depression a silent killer, but writer and singer Fayth Hope is bringing voice to her silent struggles. Even as a mental health counselor, the Birmingham, AL resident learned the value of seeking support outside of herself. Here, she shares her story with BlackDoctor.org in her own words.
Two years ago, I wrote on Instagram and Facebook, “After 3+ years, I’m officially off high blood pressure medicine!! Yay Vegetarianism!! God is good!!” However, my celebration only lasted a few months because once again, my blood pressure began spiking and I had to return to medication. And to add to the mixture, I was slowly regaining the weight I had recently lost during my healthy lifestyle change…and I couldn’t figure out why.
I internalized these occurrences, colored myself as a failure. All of the hard work had flown out the window and was slipping even further from my grasp as the days continued to go by. No matter how hard I tried, I could not pump the breaks.
One year later, I was 20 pounds heavier…in the hips and in the heart. Not only did my weight creep up on me, so did my old friend – Depression.
I first showed symptoms of depression in 2007, not too long after I had my son. Being a mental health counselor, I was (and still am) self-aware and knew that something about my disposition didn’t seem quite right.
For the next few years I battled and struggled with the condition, taking meds on an “on again, off again” basis and experiencing a host of relapses in between, even a hospital stay.
Finally, I admitted to myself that this was beyond what – I thought – started out as postpartum depression; I had the full shebang. But despite this realization, I had many instances where I thought that I could “straighten up and fly right”.
I desired the normalcy of being able to control my emotions instead of them controlling me.
The normalcy of the average blue day instead of the abysmal lows that I always felt.
The normalcy of not having to pop pills just to be…normal.
Those desires for normalcy spurred me to stow away my meds in an attempt to prove to myself that I was fully capable of being a well-functioning human being on my own. I prayed, meditated and practiced coping skills. However, nothing worked.
I was unprotected, like a raw nerve, and barely making it through the day. I felt numb, irritable, unorganized, and hopeless…a combination that I often experienced throughout the years. However, I was growing tired of those feelings and wanted relief, even if it meant taking antidepressants for the rest of my life.
That realization was a hard pill to swallow (pun intended). Although as a counselor I already knew that depression warranted just as much treatment as a physical illness, it wasn’t until I found myself on the other side of the couch that I truly understood how true this fact was.
Thankfully, through support from my friends, family, and a really good psychiatrist (smile), I have learned not to blame myself for how I am but to grow to embrace and care for who I am.
As I wrote in my book of poems that was inspired by my battles with depression, “We are all deliciously imperfect and must learn how to embrace our faults and flaws along with every clever, joyful, beautiful, ingenious morsel of our being. If we were perfect, there would be no need for personal growth and evolution, no lessons from which we can learn. The only way we can reach our Higher Self is through growth…and that is a journey worth taking.”
Fayth Hope is a singer, writer, and human services professional from Birmingham, AL. Her book, Deliciously Imperfect: Poems, Prose, and Musings, is available through www.FaythHope.com/merch.
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