It’s Not ‘Just Playing’, Protective Or Love: 12 Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

While it’s no one’s intention to enter into an abusive relationship, many men and women find themselves victims of emotional and physical abuse.  In fact, many who’ve escaped abusive relationships, which include physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional or psychological abuse, swear they’ll never get into another one — only to find themselves in yet another sticky situation.

RELATED: When Sex Is Scary: Signs You’re In A Sexually Abusive Relationship

Sadly, it takes an average of seven acts of violence before a woman leaves her abuser, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. During 2018–2021, a total of 3,991 women were victims of intimate partner homicide, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). This is nothing to take lightly. Studies also continue to find that Black women experience disproportionately high rates of intimate partner violence and intimate partner homicide. So, how does one avoid entering into an abusive relationship in the first place? Learn to detect the early warning signs!

1. He pushes for quick involvement.

He comes on strong, claiming he’s “never felt loved like this before.” He’ll insist on access to your home and belongings. In some cases, involving children, he’ll begin to insert himself as a father figure—demanding respect.

2. Restless jealousy.

He/she is excessively possessive. He’ll call and text constantly. If you don’t respond in a “timely manner,” he may show up at your home, work, or favorite coffee spot unannounced.

3. He insists you look a certain way.

It may begin with suggesting you switch up your hair color. Only, before you know it, he’ll be telling you how to get your nails done, do your makeup or worse, dressing you. Sure, this sounds innocent – until it robs you of your identity.

RELATED: 8 Red Flags You May Be Dating A Sociopath

4. There’s isolation.

He ensures he has ample time to spend with his family and friends. But once you mention you’re going to step out to do the same, he tries to cut you off. He may take away your phone or car, or even start a fight.

5. He blames others for his mistakes.

Don’t expect him to take responsibility for his faults – he will ALWAYS place blame on someone else.

6. He makes you take responsibility for his feelings.

The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I’m angry.” “I wouldn’t get so pissed off if you wouldn’t…” or “I didn’t hit you that hard. I was just playing. You just bruise easily.”

7. He’s insecure.

God forbid the spotlight isn’t on him at all times. He will take the lack of attention as an insult – will often rant and rave about being disrespected – in some cases he’ll fish for compliments by asking if “something is wrong” with him. Without constant assurance he’s the best thing since sliced bread, he’s a total terror.

RELATED: Types Of Abuse You May Have Overlooked

8. He’s low-key cruel to animals and children.

He thinks violence is funny. He may even expect kids to do things beyond their ability or tease them until they cry – then mock them while crying – all the while insisting that they “grow up.”

9. He uses “playful” force during sex.

He enjoys choking you and will continue in a sexual act, even if you tell him it “hurts” or ask him to “stop.” He manipulates or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts – and likely leaves immediately after he’s gotten what he wants.

10. He has sudden mood swings.

He goes from one extreme to another: love to hate, within a matter of minutes. In severe cases, he’ll withdraw completely, locking himself in his room – looking for a reaction.

11. He degrades you.

Initially, it may feel like he’s just playing around — when he makes that slight comment about your weight, ass, or boobs. Over time, the “jokes” become crueler. He’ll tell you to “chill out” or “learn how to take a joke.” He may even use vulnerable points about your past or current life against you.

RELATED: My Story: A Cycle Of Abuse That Had To Stop

12. There are rigid gender roles.

He expects you to submit, serve, obey, and remain at home.

If you feel your partner is displaying any of these behaviors, it’s possible you’re in an abusive relationship and should seek help.

How to Seek Help

According to the Office on Women’s Health (OASH), planning to leave may make it unsafe if an abusive partner finds out. If that is the case, consider talking with people you trust who will not tell the abuser about your plans. This can include:

• Your doctor or nurse. Most people visit the doctor at least once a year for a checkup, so try to visit the doctor or nurse without your partner. If your partner insists on going with you, write a note to the office staff saying you want to see the doctor or nurse alone. Or, tell your partner that you need privacy to speak about a woman’s health issue that you’re too embarrassed to talk about. Or, tell your partner, where others can hear you, that the doctor’s policy is patients only in the exam room.
• A teacher, counselor, or principal at your child’s school. An adult at your child’s school can help connect you to shelters and other safe places in your community. Teachers and others at your child’s school want to help the families of the children they teach.
• Human resources. If you work outside the home, your workplace’s human resources (HR) department may be able to connect you to an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or other community resources.
• Family or friends. Family or friends who knew you before you met an abusive partner might be able to help you. If more than one family member or friend can help, it may be helpful for a few people to work together.
• A free 1-800 telephone hotline. You can talk to trained advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without giving your name or address. The counselors can help you talk through the steps of leaving an abusive relationship. You can call a hotline as many times as you need to.

Coming up with a Plan to Leave Safely

Even if you plan to leave in the future, creating a safety plan can help you know what to do when that day comes or if your partner abuses you again. OASH recommends:

• Identifying a safe friend or friends and safe places to go. Create a code word to use with friends, family, or neighbors to let them know you are in danger without the abuser finding out. If possible, agree on a secret location where they can pick you up.
• Keeping an alternate cellphone nearby. Try not to call for help on your home phone or on a shared cellphone. Your partner might be able to trace the numbers. If you don’t have a cellphone, you can get a prepaid cellphone. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cellphones.
• Memorizing the phone numbers of friends, family, or shelters. If your partner takes your phone, you can still contact loved ones or shelters for a safe place to stay.
• Making a list of things to take if you have to leave quickly. Important identity documents and money are probably the top priority. OASH’s Safety Packing List has a detailed list of items to pack. They recommend getting these items together and keeping them in a safe place where your partner will not find them. If you are in immediate danger, leave without them.
• If you can, hide an extra set of car keys so you can leave if your partner takes away your usual keys.
• Asking your doctor how to get extra medicine or glasses, hearing aids, or other medically necessary items for you or your children.
• Contacting your local family court (or domestic violence court, if your state has one) for information about getting a restraining order. If you need legal help but don’t have much money, your local domestic violence agency may be able to help you find a lawyer who will work for free or on a sliding scale based on what you can pay.
• Protecting your online security as you collect information and prepare. Use a computer at a public library to download information, or use a friend’s computer or cellphone. Otherwise, your partner might be able to track your planning.
• Trying to take with you any evidence of abuse or violence if you leave your partner. This might include threatening notes from your partner. It might be copies of police and medical reports. It might include pictures of your injuries or damage to your property.
• Keeping copies of all paper and electronic documents on an external thumb drive.