You get the volumes of junk mail, see the hundreds of commercials, and hear the radio ads, all advertising discounts for that “special lady we call mom.”
If you didn’t know it was Mother’s Day coming up, you probably have been living under a rock.
But when your mom is no longer alive, Mother’s Day is a little…different to say the least. It’s still a day that we can celebrate Aunts, grandmothers, or mother-figures in our lives, but I’d be remiss to say that it still has a sting to it when I hear from someone ask, “What are you getting your mom for Mother’s Day?” or “Don’t forget to talk to your mom, I’m sure you’d love to hear from you.” I know that they aren’t trying to be malicious or anything, but I still feel a little squirmish when the question arises. Why? Because that was my mom, my ace, my shoulder to cry on, my voice of reason, my bestie…my no-matter-what-she-still-loved-me kind of girl.
It’s been seven years, and I can’t forget that great loss, but I have found strength in moving on. So this Mother’s Day, we’ve compiled something so that others who have lost their mothers can move on to.
Below are some real-life tips–more like love letters–from real women who have lost their moms and what the learned to keep pushing forward, not for anyone else, but for themselves.
Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel by Vicki
“Well-intentioned people will try to speed up the grieving process for you. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some of them won’t mention your mother’s name for fear of hurting you. But you must allow yourself to grieve. If you try to stay busy and put it out of your mind, it will catch up to you. You’re going to feel it at some point. It’s best to let it happen when it happens.”
“After Mom died, I tried to push away the grief. Any time I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long. The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it. One night—two months after Mom’s death—I was sitting at the dinner table with my husband and children. The kids were talking about their day, and I was trying to actively listen. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew what it was, but was trying to ignore it. You see, grief is a very physical thing. You literally feel physical pain. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I got up and ran to my bedroom. My husband gave me some time alone. When he finally came in to check on me, I was curled up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. After that night, I learned to allow myself to feel the pain. I didn’t ignore it anymore.”
Follow Your Inner Voice For Change by LaShaun
“What I have learned from my friends is that a single death can transform your life, especially if the death is that of your mother or father. And it doesn’t matter whether that parent was beloved or resented,…
… whether the relationship was close or distant, warm or cold, harmonious or hotly conflictual. It doesn’t even matter how old you are, or how old your parent was at the time of death. For most people, the death of a parent, particularly when the parent is of the same sex, is life altering.”
“When my mother died, I seemed to have lost my footing. Everything I did career-wise for was her approval. Even some of the men I was with was because of her. So when she died. an inner voice kept telling me to venture out, do something, fulfill MY dreams. It was then that I took my nearly 10-year career in finance and changed gears to theater. Something I always had a knack for and wanted to do. It truly felt like a hand-in-glove and somehow, somewhere, some way, I believe my mother is smiling down because she knows I’m finally happy.”
Go See a Professional Counselor/Therapist by Tanya
“It will save you a lot of time (and money) later in life. No matter how well you and everyone around you thinks you’re doing, death is trauma. Your body is not convinced of how well you’ve gotten back on your feet. If money is an issue, look up free group therapy in your area for grief and loss. In big cities, this will be easier. If you’re in school, there are free counselors and groups. If the death was related to addiction, there’s Al-Anon to consider. There are so many options. Please take advantage of them if that is the only thing you do.”
“I tried not to go to therapy at first, because I grew up in a family of strong, black women who didn’t let anything get to them: rape, infidelity, heartache, etc–they didn’t let it show. But when my mom died, my whole world seem to crash. Sure, I had the job, the car, the house, the man, but ME, inside, was messed up. Why couldn’t I have just a few more years with her? Why did she have to go so soon? What was I supposed to do? That was when a true friend recommended therapy. It was there that I was able to really free myself of the heavy burden I was carrying. Do I still grieve years later? Yes, I do. But I’m able to handle it so much better knowing who I am, who she was, and that I will be okay.”
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