Danny R. Gibson, LMFT: Well, I think its important first of all teenagers are teenagers. It’s their time to sort of grow. They really are tempting to individualize themselves from their parents. They are trying to figure out who they are as individuals. Who they are separate from Mom and Dad. Who they are separate from their family. So, I mean it’s not uncommon for them to have a new social group, to change their hairstyle, change their clothing.
They are really basically trying to figure out who they are as this new individualized person away from their family. What I do think is important for parents to do when managing or dealing with teenagers is to be able to listen. Just listen. Do not give any feedback on it. Just be present. I know with my own son, I got more information while I’m in the front seat and he’s in the back seat and him just talking. You’ll learn a lot more about your kids if you’re just listening. Also, you want to be able to validate their feelings.
They don’t want you to fix their problems. They want to know that you are sort of there and that you understand them. You can say something like, “I’m really sad that Sally said XYZ to you” or “that wasn’t very nice what Billy did to you” so just validating their feelings is very important. Also, it’s important to show trust as they grow older. They want to know that you can rely on them and that you’re there for them. I just trust you to stay by yourself this evening. Whatever that is start showing them some sort of trust.
You do not want to be a dictator. It may be your house. You may buy the food. But you do not want to be a dictator. You want to allow for some discussion to take place. You may want to explain why Billy can’t go to the party tonight. You can’t just say no. it needs to be no with an explanation. Because again they’re not children anymore and they are asking for a little bit more latitude in how you interact with them. You want to be able to give praise when needed. It can be something as simple as you did a great job on the homework assignments. Thank you for watching your little brother yesterday. You want to be able to praise them for any little thing they may do. Again, that sort of builds the trust in the relationship with your child.
Also, very important that you’re able to control your own emotions. Not so much their emotions, but your emotions. So often when something goes wrong parents want to *ahhh*. What they want to be able to do is show that we took and remained calm in the midst of chaos. You want to be able to say this is challenging. This is difficult. We can manage this. So, you don’t want to get over emotional if at all possible. Or, at least try to contain your emotions as much as possible. It’s important to do things together. Whether that’s hiking. whether that’s going for a swim.
Me and my son try and do a walk once a week at least in the mountains. And sometimes you get more information. You sort of having a sense of togetherness when you are sort of doing things together. It’s not necessarily about school. It’s about whatever is present in that environment at that moment.
Also, you want to be able to share regular meals. In my household, we have at least 3 or 4 meals together. And again that’s just a time to kind of connect, and just to be present. Not necessarily to grill each other about how’s school going. What’s not going well? Just to talk about politics.
Talk about friends or events that are coming up. You want to have those regular meals. Have a regular time to connect with each other. You want to be observant. You want to be observant about what’s going on in their lives because they still are very young. Their decision making isn’t always the best. So, it’s important as a parent to be observant, to be aware of what’s going. As a way of sort of staying in contact with your kids.
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