After one’s mom passes away, Mother’s Day can be an emotional and especially complicated time. Living or dead, good or bad, our moms have shaped us in what they have done and what they have failed to do.
Here are some ways to pause and remember, regardless of your circumstances. This is an occasion for self-examination and self-care that can help you change the narrative to what balanced memories of her can be. Memories of a mom who has passed away can teach you about your mother and help you move forward into your complete self as part of her legacy.
Moms live on through the memories of those who knew them in that role. Continuing her traditions and rituals can be the greatest tribute. Maybe everyone in the family gathered at her table for a big meal and family bonding over shared memories of yesterday and hopes for today and tomorrow.
Perhaps the family accompanied her to religious services so she could show you off and brag a little on you, her child(ren).
If everyone were spread out across the country, greeting cards, flowers, and gifts could beat a steady pathway to her mailbox from wherever you are to wherever she is, and know what was in her heart made it home.
She could just want to “lay eyes on you” to make sure you look as good as you sound. You may have made this possible virtually via FaceTime or Zoom, which you taught her to use the last time you saw her in person.
Or possibly, if you were in the same city, you gave your mom the day off from cooking and took her out to brunch or supper. At the end of the meal and before the first bite of store-bought sheet cake for the occasion, you gave her gifts. In a moment of quiet gratitude, she leaned into the sight of her family gathered close, whispering that their presence was the only thing her heart truly required. Through a veil of tears, as hugs were shared and “I love yous” were exchanged, you understood that being there was her most cherished gift. This was the essence of building a balanced, lasting legacy through the simple, classic act of making memories.
This could all be too Hallmark for you and your siblings, however. You may remember the hurt of her absence deeply when she is no longer with you. It does not matter how long it has been since she has been gone in body; the connection and yearning remain strong in spirit through your memories of mom. Repeating traditions can be more painful or reveal cracks in your family’s foundation. She may have been the glue that held it all together, and now no one could take her place, nor fill her shoes.
The traditions and rituals also might not be there to celebrate. The way you remember her may be fractured. To let go of what was negative and make room for the positive takes skill and strength…and realizing that loss needs time for healing.
You and your siblings may choose instead to visit her grave site and leave flowers. You may offer a prayer of thanksgiving for the ultimate sacrifice she made and for the greatest gift she gave you: life.
The size of the gesture does not matter. It is more for your peace than her glory. And if you are lucky, as time passes, the positives will shine, and the negatives will fade in importance. You will heal by going through, not covering up or ignoring your grief in an empty effort to forget.
This could be the Mother’s Day to make peace with your memories of her and who you were to each other. You could come away from this Mother’s Day experience with well-rounded memories that change the context of your tears into the joy of who you are and can be because of her. Your maturity and time will reveal her human faults, not saintly perfection. Time will foster respect for her and understanding, if not acceptance, of her choices. You will come to see your life as her greatest tribute. This is likely even if your relationship was not without loss, pain, separation, or misunderstandings that you never got to resolve while she was on this side of life.
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If you can, curate the memories that honor her. She may not have been perfect, but she got you here. The burden of your life story could be light or heavy because of what kind of mother she was.
Biological, foster, adopted, step by marriage, or other. Whoever it was and however it was, that woman, for better or worse, was in the role of your mother. Alternatively, the essential work of mothering might have been performed by an elder sibling or a devoted relative—perhaps a cousin, auntie, or grandmother—who stepped into the gap, welcomed you into their heart and home, and raised you with the same love as if you were their own biological child. If not, you could have been passed from place to place, never finding or benefiting from the stability of a long-term home with only short-term love… and this has marked you.
You could have done the mothering yourself and for others, like your younger siblings, while your mom, a single Mom, worked multiple jobs to put food on the table, keep the lights on, and ensure a secure place to live. Mom may have been sickly or addicted or a teenage mom that needed your care, no matter how old you were, way before you were old enough for the responsibility of such a role. This also creates a legacy of “losing” your mom.
Remove yourself from anger or bitterness, and stop cursing what you missed. Focus on what you had or gave. Let these memories show that you had enough mothering to make it, even though it wasn’t the way you would have wanted. Remember, you don’t have to be full of only positive experiences to honor those who mothered you or the strength you displayed in mothering yourself and others. Look at a hard memory and examine its multidimensional value. There is honor in that. See how a non-traditional mom memory made you who you are. Cherish yourself as resilient.
Remember your victories when you did without what you craved from her. Count yourself as worthy of honor when you think about how you were or were not mothered. It may not have been ideal, but you can look to memories of mothering in your life as change agents that shaped your character.
The departure of your mother, regardless of whether your bond was a sanctuary or a space filled with the echoes of what you yearned for, remains a profound and marking loss. Give yourself the grace and the space to be emotional on this day as you remember. Be gentle with yourself. Spoil yourself like you wanted then and deserve now. Afford yourself the grace and the space to be emotional—whether that means a release of tears or a silent scream—as you navigate the multidimensional history of the mothering you received or the void where it should have been. You are who you are and have what you have because of how that mothering worked its way out in your life, then and now… still.
Despite any imperfection, you may realize that there were moments of joy in your memories. No mom is perfect. And that positive joy you feel from a memory of her is NOT betrayal of what the negatives felt like to you. That joy rounds the situation out. That joy is balancing. That joy is an amplifier. That joy is from moving through the difficult and finding past-you embracing present-you while future-you waits patiently to give the you that you are evolving into a pat on the back.
Your mom may be gone, but your days are neither all sunshine nor all rain. Joy shows growth in your emotions and compassion for your experience. Joy shows healing. And joy celebrates love through the hard places, from overwhelmed to overcoming.
You can also choose to celebrate her by celebrating you, her ultimate legacy. Send yourself a card with a handwritten personal message; flowers or balloons; chocolates, cookies, or a fruit basket. Treat yourself on this day the way you would want to treat your mom, or how you wish she treated you. Afford yourself the same measure of devotion, if not more, on this poignant day; cherish and honor the resilient spirit within you as a reflection of her enduring legacy.
Extend your heart to celebrate the other mothers within your circle, honoring the nurturing spirits that remain even when your own one and only is gone. This simple, thoughtful act can help soften the sharp edges of grief, reminding you that while your life may feel a little lonelier, it remains rich with the presence of those who continue to mother the world around them. There are plenty to choose from: sisters, cousins, friends, aunties, grandmas, stepmoms, neighbors, and coworkers. You don’t have to make a grand gesture, just a thoughtful one. This is a way of letting go of the grouchiness of grief and coming to terms with a life that is a little lonelier since your mom’s passing, but it doesn’t have to be if you give to others.
Afford yourself the permission to bypass the traditional festivities and simply “take the day off.” Stock the freezer with pints of your favorite ice cream; fill the pantry with salty and sweet snacks; and keep the pizza place and Chinese restaurant on alternate speed dial for delivery. Binge-watch TV in your pajamas all day and all night if it soothes your soul.
Mother’s Day is not always easy. It is a challenge to manage the pain of being without your mother on Mother’s Day. Take a moment of silence for gratitude for your mom. Affirm yourself in appreciating her for doing what she could do for you at the time you came into her life. Deeply inhale, then exhale to celebrate her for the life she gave you. And move through this day with purpose and a deeper understanding.
This is a time to recognize the real version of who your mom was. Release the fantasy version of her that you always wanted but never got. Remain aware that, like her, you can only do your best. Push past what you don’t have to cope with what you do.
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