Instead of checking up on your spouse, it may be time to check-in.
Marriage counseling has been a stigma for many Black families. Lester L. Barclay, author of The African-American Guide to Divorce & Drama: Breaking Up Without Breaking Down, shared with Essence.com that it’s more common for Black couples to neglect the idea that a part of their marital trouble is poor mental health and they, particularly men, refuse to seek professional help.
READ: 7 Steps To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
“Historically, Black people have been taught that what happens in this house stays in this house or we have been taught to sweep things under the rug,” explains Dr. TaMara Griffin, certified clinical sexologist and relationship expert. This kind of silencing and thinking, Dr. Griffin believes, has led to the demise of many Black marriages, families and communities.
Some feel that it’s easier to phone a lawyer to end the marriage instead of a counselor, who could possibly save it. We are very prideful people and one of the things we pride ourselves on most is being strong.
While it may sound fancier to say you’re meeting with your lawyer instead of your “shrink”, the real strength is in fighting for your marriage as many times as it takes to keep it together. And sometimes, we could use a little help from someone on the outside (objectively) looking in.
“Seeking a marriage and family therapist can help provide an outside non-biased perspective and input that can help you and your partner/spouse see things in a new way. They can also help provide tools and techniques that couples can use to save and strengthen their marriage,” said Dr. Griffin.
READ: 7 Things Nobody Tells You About Being Married
Counselors are known to help couples navigate through many issues including intimacy, infidelity, differing parental styles, money management, communication and overbearing in-laws.
Here are five reasons you should go to marriage counseling, even if your relationship is in good standing.
1. Stay together
The obvious reason many spouses chose to go to counseling is because they want to improve their relationship. But, they don’t know how. This is often the case for couples who lack intimacy and have begun to function as roommates instead of lovers. Speaking to a licensed counselor can be helpful in sorting out the issues that are causing disengagement and get things back on track, Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP writes in PsychCentral.
2. Help for the heavy stuff
Some of us are dealing with things that are too heavy to discuss with loved ones, including our spouses. Experiencing things like childhood trauma, depression, sexual assault, death, etc. can bring psychological baggage into the relationship that needs unpacking. In this case, it may be best to seek individual counseling for post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
Because individual counseling helps the individual, and not always the marriage as a whole, it’s still a good idea to seek marriage counseling with your partner to discuss the symptoms and seriousness of PTSD and how it affects your marriage.
Dr. Griffin offers that “Working with a marriage and family therapist individually and collectively can help offer perspective on how to support each other while dealing with individual challenges.”
READ: Black Power Couples: 5 Things They Do Right
3. Let it Out
Sometimes, couples find it easier to be outspoken about their relationship problems when they are upset. Discussing a problem while you are upset can be difficult for both spouses as one spouse may be too emotional to articulate their true feelings and the other too emotional to comprehend. “You will learn how to be assertive without being offensive. Both spouses need to be able to talk about their issues without fear of hurting the other spouse,” said Cathy Meyer, a marriage educator, in her article on About.com.
4. Better communication
Have you ever repeatedly told your spouse something and they seemed to misunderstand what you were saying until someone else said it? Well, in this case, that someone else would be your therapist. Counselors are trained to teach their clients how to communicate effectively. “In marriage counseling you will learn communication skills that will help you not only listen to your spouse but, to also process what your spouse is saying,” said Meyer.
5. Maintenance
As simple as it is to ask your spouse, ‘What do you need from me?’ many of us forget to do it. More importantly, we tend to forget to act on their needs. Marital therapy isn’t just an option for relationships on the rocks. It’s also a great preventative method to assure that you are maintaining a healthy relationship. This becomes critically important when it comes to matters in the bedroom.
Dr. Griffin says, “A marriage and family therapist can teach you the tools to help you spice up your marriage and to keep things sexy in and out of the bedroom.”
READ: 15 Reasons Married Sex Is Better
The key to successful counseling is finding a counselor who is right for you. There are many counselors willing to take on marital affairs. But, that doesn’t mean they are a licensed marriage and family therapist. Before you hire a therapist, ask them about their experience with marriage counseling.
If paying for a counseling is the issue, try to find an income-based counseling program. You can also find out if a college near you offers counseling services to the public. These services are usually provided by graduate students, under the supervision of a licensed therapist, and can be as low as $10.
If you and your spouse make the decision your marriage is worth fighting for, you both must be willing to seek help and commit to the process. “Keep in mind that changes will not occur overnight,” Dr. Griffin advises. She adds, “You will experience good days and challenging days – that’s all a part of the healing and growth process. But if you are totally committed to each other and the trust the process, the results will ultimately pay off.”
By subscribing, you consent to receive emails from BlackDoctor.com. You may unsubscribe at any time. Privacy Policy & Terms of Service.
