Navigating through the dating scene as a young adult is already challenging enough, so why not add celibacy to the mix?
In a world where “matching” with someone is one swipe away, things have the potential to move way faster than they ever have. The concept of sex-positivity, however beautiful, and mobile applications like Bumble and Tinder can make the dating terrain a bit rougher for those who have committed to celibacy.
Celibacy is a very personal choice. When someone decides to abstain from sex there’s a valid reason behind it, be it spiritual, religious, short-term or long-term, and the search for love can bring on unforeseen pressures, stress; and uncertainty for those who are serious about their commitment.
I once wrote an article about how celibacy can help increase productivity and focus so that we can achieve our goals. My decision was all about spiritual soundness and personal growth. At the time the article was published I had been celibate for about a year and some change. I wasn’t interested in dating back then because I wasn’t quite sure I had the strength and willpower.
Now that I’m ready to date again, I’ve noticed that things that work for my sexually active friends don’t necessarily work for me. I’ve tried online dating and I’ve even met people the old-fashioned way, all to no avail because things have changed for me. This in no way means that it’s impossible to date while celibate, it just means that we have to move differently.
For anyone living their best celibate life or considering celibacy, here are some ways to date without feeling like you’ll never find the one.
During the courting phase, we may speak over the phone more than we see one another. I’d say this is pretty normal although I’ve encountered suitors who were ready to take me to lunch or dinner right away.
Texts, video chats, and phone calls are a cool way to get to know one another without the literal face time. Even though you aren’t physically meeting up with your potential bae, it’s important to set boundaries.
Just as you wouldn’t want to go on an after-hours date, treat your communication the same way. This may change as time goes on, but in the beginning stages, it’s okay to set this boundary because late-night phone calls and texts can easily turn into booty calls and sexts.
Seriously, think about the types of thoughts that may run through a person’s mind late at night or even the types of thoughts that can be sparked just by hearing a certain nighttime voice. We create patterns with our actions so try to set up your situation for success.
There’s only so much you can do at night, but when you opt for a date during the day the options are
truly unlimited. This is an opportunity for you and your potential partner to get to know one another.
Lunches, picnics, fairs, fitness classes, museums, and even people-watching, are things that can happen while the sun is still up and give you space to…I don’t know…talk!
Also, this would be a great time for me to mention that at-home dates are a setup for failure! Avoid these “dates” and try staying busy outdoors and in public spaces.
This is one I haven’t tried yet but I know that if I could get my friends on board it would be lit! There are a couple of ways that you can go about this.
One way is to get a group of all singles together. You can link with groups through apps and online profiles or you can link with singles that you may know through mutual friends.
Although rare, a scenario that involves an established group of friends who want to bring together two singles within the group can occur. In this case, no matter what happens it’s a guaranteed good time because the group already enjoys each other’s company.
Dates like bowling, Whirly Ball, laser tag, escape rooms are all good group ideas. I’ve personally always had a great time at Dave & Buster’s.
It couldn’t hurt to find a friend or mentor that may be going through the same thing as you. You can have weekly check-ins with this person to hold each other accountable, free of any judgment of course, and to give or receive advice.
Unless you’ve set it as one of your personal boundaries, self-pleasure is okay. In fact, it’s more than okay if it’s going to be the thing that keeps you from calling it quits on celibacy. There’s a reason why Mary Jane Paul rubbed one out before meeting up with her love interest in Season 1 of Being Mary Jane.
Be mindful of the types of shows and films you watch when on dates. Sexy scenes can be triggering for some.
Put friendship before romance. If you can at least do this then you’ll find that it takes the pressure off. Your true friendships don’t require
sex and in the beginning stages of dating, this should be no different.
Don’t let the opinions of others deter you. Especially not someone you’re dating because of self-interest.
Actions speak louder than words. I’ve encountered people who thought they’d be able to change my mind.
It was up to me to show them that my word is bond. Stay out of situations that could lead to temptation (house dates, cuddle sessions, booty, and back rubs) and until you are ready, no need to say yes or to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
With any relationship, communication is key. Let your partner know that you’re abstaining from sex and how long you plan on waiting. This doesn’t have to be on the first couple of dates, but being honest with the person you’re dating is best.
This transparency helps both parties (they get to decide for themselves if they can handle the wait and you get to immediately weed out the ones who aren’t willing to wait).
Warning: it can sometimes feel like a rejection when someone would rather walk away from the situation, but that’s the wrong way to look at it. After all, you did nothing wrong.
You’re only guilty of putting yourself and your principles first and anyone who can’t support that shouldn’t be in your life anyway.
Jasmine Danielle is the Associate Editor of BlackDoctor.org. She received her BFA in Dance Education & Performance from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and has since done work as a certified fitness & wellness educator, blogger, dancer, and designer.
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